(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Real "Fiber" Haters Club)
Donnie: So what kind of fruit do you think he likes?
Ben: Fruit sir?
Donnie: Yeh, for a basket.
Ben: For who?
Donnie: Who do you think Benfred? Who I have been fawning and frothing over lately?
Ben: Hope still?
Donnie: No Ben.
Ben: But you do stare at her pictures a lot in that little candle lit shrine in the closet off your mock Oval Office here in the Treehouse.
Donnie: No Ben! Not Hope! Guess already!!
Ben: I really don't know sir. I Can't read your mind.
Donnie: I know, it's like a steel trap.
Ben: It is a trap alright sir.
Donnie: C'mon, it's for Brett. What kind of fruit should I get in a basket for him? And jams...yeh, maybe jams...everybody loves jams right?...or is it preserves?
Ben: Jellies too sir.
Donnie: Dammit Benfred, don't add another...Shit confuses me enough with just two. Do I call Ahmad at the deli for a bagel with JAM and extra extra butter? Do I call the Ahmad at the deli for a bagel with PRESERVES and extra extra butter? Do I send ICE to pick up the order? He got lucky that last time by the way. The two is enough Ben without you throwing a fucking wild card "Jelly" in the mix!
Ben: Sorry sir, I know, two IS a lot.
Donnie: What about muffins? Do you include muffins in something like this?
Ben: Well, some do and fiber is important.
Donnie: It is! It's healthy I've heard. That's why my McDonalds always comes in a bun...
Ben: ..but that's not really fiber....
Donnie: ...and it's especially important in a movement, you need people of questionable "fiber"and low opinions right? 'Cause this IS a movement Benfred. Number one? Don't you be fooled by what the fake news sprays around, and, number two? This has been a real movement ever since the let go...
Ben: ?
Donnie: ...get go, sorry. Since the get go. Since day one.
Ben: And two sir.
Donnie: Exactly. And all the days after that.
Ben: We all the know the movement sir, a proud movement, hopped on right behind the horses pullin' the Trump Wagonwheel backwards, shovels in hand, longcoats and half gallon hats and fedoras and bowlers, and, just like you said, since day one. It's healthy two. Nature's broom. Gotta keep regular.
Donnie: Oh, I like that.
Ben: What's that sir?
Donnie: Keeping regular, like a regular Joe. A regular Joe movement...
Ben: ...Yes sir! Go with it...
Donnie: ...don't stop me...regular Joe's gotta movement too right? It's ME. I'm their movement! And we tell 'em it's constitutional. Regular Joe's eat that constitutional shit up, even though they don't understand it.
Ben: You still have your constitution pamphlet from the tour?
Donnie: Damn straight I do. Know it inside and out, very inspirational, especially the pictures...I memorized all the pictures...love that one of the tall guy with the beard and long hat. A daily constitutional reminder of a movement...
Ben: ...exactly sir. Keep going...you're on a roll...
Donnie: ...I am!...see this Ben? No one sees this...or reports on it...when I get going...when I get this whip smart genius ticking...I frighten even myself with the ticking...frighten so many people and so many nations with the ticking...like a doomsday clock...on a roll indeed...
Ben: ...whole wheat I hope?
Donnie: (screeching halt) What?!
Ben: Whole wheat? The roll? The one you're on? Good fiber? I'm kidding?
Donnie: Who the hell eats whole wheat rolls Benfred? Tree huggers smelling of pitched hooley and whales? Jesus Benfred!
Ben: But?
Donnie: No! None of that mongrelizing of the bread crap! This is a whitebread muffin movement Benfred!
Ben: Fiber pills then maybe? Just in case?
Donnie: Wait...idea (flat dull bell sound)...I'm thinking at my next ego rally all 45,000 people that show up get a muffin...maybe dyed red, white and blue.
Ben: Is that safe sir? Those dyes can have a history of being harmfu...
Donnie: ...I'm the FDA Ben...
Ben: Right
Donnie: ...all 45,000 zealots...
Ben:...zealots?...
Donnie: ...supporters...all 45,000 supporters get a Red White and Blue muffin...
Ben: ...in that place that only holds 6,000 peop...
Donnie: ...yes, all 45,000 get a red, white and blue whitebread muffin to symbolize the movement...it'll say "all Joe's can be regular whitebread Americans"...
Ben: ...all Joan's too sir?
Donnie: What?
Ben: All Joan's? It'll symbolize they're regular too like Joe? Men AND women?
Donnie: Who's Joan?
Ben: ...an example of the wome...
Donnie: Women too?...Whatever. So pink cinnamon raisin? Pink poppy seed? Pink pound cake? Chocolate chip?
Ben: We all love chocolate chip right?
Donnie: I'm sure YOU do and I know I do, especially in an election year. What have chocolate chips got to lose in a whitebread muffin right?
Ben: But why the need for a fruit basket sir?
Donnie: Just a gesture Ben.
Ben: But you don't make gestures sir.
Donnie: I know, always costs too much and can eventually be traced, plus gestures should only be made to me...ring kiss, bent knee preferably. But in this case I'll make an exception and reach ou...
Ben: ...that's big of you...
Donnie: ...I know, again...I'm giving like that...
Ben: ...a thank you for a promised fealty sir?
Donnie: Not trying to buy a house here Benfred. If ya haven't noticed I already have one. It's big, it's white, gets wet when it rains. But if you mean realty, well, of course (duh), that's how this shit works Benfred. You don't shadily go behind closed doors with a sitting Supreme Court Justice and the soundtrack from "The Godfather" to work out a plan for the timing of his retirement and the choosing of his successor without the successor's pinky oath. Damn, you can be dim sometimes. But it's more a gesture of gratitude for hanging in there and doing his best to lie through this onslaught of questions...I mean who the hell asks questions at a confirmation hearing? Should be just "Is your name Brett?" Yes. "Did Trump nominate you?" Yes. Bada Boom...Done! That should be it! But no, fucking Dems insist on the convention of questions like any other old hearing. Where does he stand on this, where does he stands on that, will he bring back the Make America Great Again days of backroom abortions, will he piss on gay folks and workers rights, will he help anoint me King, yadda yadda yadda? It's not that easy to constantly sidestep the truth Ben...believe me I know....so he deserves a gesture...(chokes)...a gesture from...me (chokes again)...this is so hard Benfred.
Ben: I know it is sir. So magnanimous.
Donnie: (possible angry glare - then lightening) Yes, thank you...I love Tom Selleck too.
Ben: The debut episode of the re-boot wasn't bad.
Donnie: But it's NOT Tom Selleck...
Ben: No, it's not. You're right. Your gesture though...it's also just so selfless.
Donnie: I'm like that....right?...wait...whaty'd say...selfless?
Ben: That you are sir. The people see it every day.
Donnie: I'm sure they do! (aside in a whisper)...can you explain this "selfless" to me later?
Ben: Of course sir.
Donnie: Plus, he's had it so hard lately with this Christine Blasey Ford thing.
Ben: I know, ya gotta feel for the victim. That has to be so difficult.
Donnie: Exactly. Why does he have to answer more questions now?
Ben: He?
Donnie: Yes, HE...
Ben: ...but I thought...
Donnie: ...victim Ben?...we're talking victim here?...
Ben: ...right, my bad...poor Brett...
Donnie: ...and don't they come with little gifts too? Nicely wrapped? Ivanka is really good at that sort of thing.
Ben: What sir?
Donnie: Shit Benfred?! The fucking fruit basket. Don't they come with little gifts?
Ben: I'm not sure. I've never gotten a fruit basket. Death threats from poor folks who don't have bootstaps, but never a fruit basket. I could ask my wife though.
Donnie: I don't want to furnish his office of "I Do Nothing" Ben, I just want to maybe include a small gift or two, if that's what they do in fruit baskets of course.
Ben: But including gifts? Doesn't that make this more of a gift basket, not a fruit basket?
Donnie: (hard stare) It'll have an apple, probably some grapes Ben, maybe a pineapple centerpiece, chocolate covered strawberries. It'll be a FRUIT basket Benfred!
Ben: Now I'll be the first to say I love chocolate covered strawberries but are you sure?
Donnie: Well....
Ben: The message they send? Could make it a little awkward.
Donnie: Ok, point. No chocolate covered strawberries.
Ben: Nice adjustment sir.
Donnie: I'm good on the fly.
Ben: That you are, I've seen that fly in action. As to a small gift? Monogrammed cuff links are always nice.
Donnie: Great idea...and in gold. DT.
Ben: But aren't his initials BK?
Donnie: Not hungry right now, trying to think.
Ben: Plus wouldn't that be a little obvious?
Donnie: You're right. Don't need anyone zooming in on his wrists while he dramatically taps his hands pretending to agonize over a decision in a re-enactment on Fox and Friends.
Ben: I loves me that Ainsley.
Donnie: Me too.
Ben: Maybe a gift card for a tattoo of DT instead, in some place discreet.
Donnie: Much better idea. Something only he can see in the mirror when he gets out of the shower in the morning.
Ben: How about scented soaps?
Donnie: Seriously Benfred?
Ben: Just throwing gift idea shit at the wall sir.
Donnie: Well apparently. Maybe your scented soaps can help with the cleanup of your shit wall. No, need something else...Olive Garden?
Ben: Who doesn't love Olive Garden?
Donnie: Ok, so we got a fruit basket with an apple, some grapes, a pineapple centerpiece, whitebread muffins with maybe, chocolate chips, a DK tattoo, Olive Garden...but we need a kicker, something to make it truly unique, but something subtle. Something only he and I would understand.
Ben: Nesting dolls dressed as court justices?
Donnie: Fuck Benfred?! I said subtle...plus I already sent those to Vlad. Justice robes that are really Russian flags. He loved 'em. Says he keeps them in the residence next to a picture of me riding a Shetland Pony shirtless.
Ben: Nice.
Donnie: I know, really cute, though the whole nesting doll concept still confuses me...
Ben: ...well, they'r...
Donnie: ...try to explain them to me again Ben and your body won't ever be found.
Ben: Sorry sir...wait, I got it!
Donnie: ...and?!
Ben: A portait of you for his chambers.
Donnie: Keeping with subtle...go on.
Ben: Yeh, a portrait of you, right behind his desk...you're glaring and holding a pen over a blank sheet of official Supreme Court stationary.
Donnie: Oh, Benfred...you're suprisingly an almost genius just like me!!
Ben: And you could pay for it through your foundation. Wouldn't cost you a gold dime.
Donnie: Oh my god! That's perfect!! Ben I could close my eyes and hug you, but the 80's were a long time ago.
Ben: That's Ok sir.
Donnie: Brett is going to ABSOLUTELY love this!!
Ben: I'm sure he will sir. How could he not?
Donnie: Oh, by the way, don't mention this to Mike.
Ben: Pence sir?
Donnie: Yeh, he'll just want to horn in on it. Seems he's really excited about Brett. Has stock in a huge coat hanger manufacturer.
Ben: Understood.
Donnie: Plus, he gets all sweaty whenever someone mentions fruit, starts unbuttoning his shirt. It can be REALLY uncomfortable.
Ben: With ya sir.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Sunday, September 9, 2018
A Day In The Life (title borrowed) And Treasured Friends
(..."and dragged a comb across my head")
When I first moved into my former apartment in Hyde Park, back in December of 2014, I quickly learned why my only request of the building manager that my new digs be on the top (3rd) floor was the best of all possible requests. I can't imagine the hell I would have had to endure had my downstairs neighbor and her boyfriend been arguing and fighting and throwing shit ABOVE my head instead of below my feet. Gladly, their anger and dysfunction left soon after I moved in and was replaced, instead, with the quiet, serene, happy, loving contentment of Tara Patterson and Blake.
We bonded over cats, the mutual love of our respective fur (their Little Foot & Riley, my Bella & Shoes) but more specifically, my Shoes. When he was in his final days, and he and I would go out for our nightly walks for his last month or so, a boy and his cat in a cone plastic hat, Tara and Blake were always there to wish he and I good travels around the apartment complex. Shoes was in his glory with the attention from the two of them at the bottom of the stairs outside their door and I had new found friends who understood the immense pain but also the beautiful life that were those walks with my Big Orange.
They were also there for the slow, deliberate, determined, often bandaid inducing but loving process of bringing my beloved stray Grayson (I so miss you my friend, I can't even say - You were So special and 2 years just wasn't enough time) in house from the eventual cold. Tara called him Gray-Gray, a name I came to use with him quite often. Of all the people Grayson DIDN'T like at the time, including me on occasion? Tara & Blake weren't on the list. He loved them without reservation...or bandaid.
Well, after 11 years of preparation, these two finally said "I Do" and it was a glorious day for them filled with family (Tara's dance with Blake's grandfather brought real tears I couldn't hold back and brought the guests to their clapping hands), lifelong friends and a few extra new friends found at "home" in building 15 (as Tara put it in a text recently). I know I can speak for the extra friends Bobby Mulcare Brenda Mulcare and certainly myself when I say "Cheers to the continued happiness you two". You've always made me smile.
I also got a chance to hang out with actual humans in the actual real world for a change and I think I cleaned up rather nicely in a borrowed shirt and tie (thank ya Sam Favata). And I didn't spill anything on them by the way. A rare win for me.
When I first moved into my former apartment in Hyde Park, back in December of 2014, I quickly learned why my only request of the building manager that my new digs be on the top (3rd) floor was the best of all possible requests. I can't imagine the hell I would have had to endure had my downstairs neighbor and her boyfriend been arguing and fighting and throwing shit ABOVE my head instead of below my feet. Gladly, their anger and dysfunction left soon after I moved in and was replaced, instead, with the quiet, serene, happy, loving contentment of Tara Patterson and Blake.
We bonded over cats, the mutual love of our respective fur (their Little Foot & Riley, my Bella & Shoes) but more specifically, my Shoes. When he was in his final days, and he and I would go out for our nightly walks for his last month or so, a boy and his cat in a cone plastic hat, Tara and Blake were always there to wish he and I good travels around the apartment complex. Shoes was in his glory with the attention from the two of them at the bottom of the stairs outside their door and I had new found friends who understood the immense pain but also the beautiful life that were those walks with my Big Orange.
They were also there for the slow, deliberate, determined, often bandaid inducing but loving process of bringing my beloved stray Grayson (I so miss you my friend, I can't even say - You were So special and 2 years just wasn't enough time) in house from the eventual cold. Tara called him Gray-Gray, a name I came to use with him quite often. Of all the people Grayson DIDN'T like at the time, including me on occasion? Tara & Blake weren't on the list. He loved them without reservation...or bandaid.
Well, after 11 years of preparation, these two finally said "I Do" and it was a glorious day for them filled with family (Tara's dance with Blake's grandfather brought real tears I couldn't hold back and brought the guests to their clapping hands), lifelong friends and a few extra new friends found at "home" in building 15 (as Tara put it in a text recently). I know I can speak for the extra friends Bobby Mulcare Brenda Mulcare and certainly myself when I say "Cheers to the continued happiness you two". You've always made me smile.
I also got a chance to hang out with actual humans in the actual real world for a change and I think I cleaned up rather nicely in a borrowed shirt and tie (thank ya Sam Favata). And I didn't spill anything on them by the way. A rare win for me.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Ep #10: "Alarms And A Post Gone Joyously Off The Rails"
(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Alarm Haters Club)
**ALARM SOUND**
Donnie: (waking from napping to Fox and Friends clutching a Sean Hannity pillow...phone falls off the bed to the floor as he sits up) ...what the Hell?! Again?!!
Ben: (rushing in) What's the problem sir?
Donnie: What's the problem?! I don't know...maybe it's these fucking alarms Benfred!
Ben: Relax sir, it's just the new "Trump News Update" alarm system I had installed.
Donnie: My phone! Check my phone! It fell on the floor!
Ben: It's fine sir.
Donnie: You sure? Do we need to call a phone doctor?
Ben: Phone doctor?
Donnie: Yes Benfred, phone doctor. Sheesh!! I've been told they have those you know?! Phone doctor trade schools even. And YOU'RE a doctor for Christ's sake. You should know this. It's the doctor you call if your phone might be hurt or feeling sick.
Ben: Let me check it.
Donnie: Ok, but not too close, cause then I'd have to find somebody to kill you. I know those types of people now by the way. Lot's of national security stuff in there. Big stuff...really important big boy stuff (with emphasis and a knowing nod) INNNNNTEL Benfred...files, honestly, you're just not intelligent enough to handle, given your innate shortcomings an all, nothing personal, and it's all bullet pointed and graphed in color. Very complicated.
Ben: Oh, of course, nothing personal at all, I'm ONLY a neurosurgeon, but on your unsecure phone sir?
Donnie: Shut up Benfred. It's password protected.
Ben: 1 2 3 5?
Donnie: How'd you know? But genius huh? I purposely, I think, left out the...uhhh...the...what's the oth...
Ben: The 4?
Donnie: (shrugging off) right...is she alright?
Ben: She?
Donnie: Shut up AGAIN Ben. Just tell me...is Hope alright?..crap...wait...didn't mean to say that...don't even think about asking.
Ben: You call your phone Hope?
Donnie: What did I just say about not asking Ben?! Jesus!...and it's....uhhh..."Hope"...hope for a better future, less fake news, more official Trump truth through tweets, in case you're curious.
Ben: (wide eyed) Truth?
Donnie: (glares)
Ben: Of course, my bad..."truth" sir.
Donnie: (harder glare)
Ben: My air quote fingers were showing again weren't they?
Donnie: Hmmmm...well, is she ok or what?
Ben: Yes "she's" fine.
Donnie: Wheww, that's a relief. Thank you. I'm sure taking her to a phone doctor in an emergency would have been yugely expensive.
Ben: You got that right sir. Too bad we're not in Canada with THEIR phone doctors. Much cheaper. It's actually included in their citizen plan believe it or not, and with unlimited life minutes too. Have a sick phone? Boom, covered.
Donnie: I know. Gotta have a meeting about that. (Note to self: Canadian phone doctors - lie to Trudeau about why I wanna know, gloat about it later - don't let the generics in) So what's with these alarms Ben? They keep waking me from my beautiful Fox and Friends dreams (loves me that Ainsley), keep scaring the hell out of me when I'm tending to my flower boxes or when I'm counting the rocks in the boxes on my book shelves in the library.
Ben: You have flower boxes?
Donnie: Well, (rolling his eyes) yeaaaaah.
Ben: You mean those rickety unpainted boxes of dry dirt outside the kitchen window?
Donnie: They're a work in progress.
Ben: Did you actually plant any seeds in them?
Donnie: Seeds?
Ben: Yes...oh...never mind. Anything you touch dies anyway.
Donnie: But these alarms? What if they go off when I'm on the golf course? Don't want anyone thinking I might use them to kick a ball in the distraction...
Ben: ...of course not.
Donnie: ...'cause I play an honest game, though with a whatever stroke handicap I decide at the end of the round.
Ben: I know you do sir. Honesty is a hallmark of yours.
Donnie: (raised eyebrow, thinking of glaring)
Ben: No, truly sir, that's what they all say, they say "That Trump, honesty is a hallmark of his"
Donnie: My they?
Ben: Yes sir.
Donnie: Like my lots of they?
Ben: Your lots of they exactly sir.
Donnie: I love them they, especially the lots of they.
Ben: And the everyone too. All encompassing.
Donnie: I know huh?
Ben: Plus the them too, lots of the them...those them always say great things.
Donnie: I know, as they should...so much I've done...
Ben: ...and the many, the many are always on your side...
Donnie: ...I know, passed some of they them in the street just the other day...and they them were very nice...complimented Trump on the job...no one reports this you know...
Ben: ...and you might even say that the them, they, lot's of and many are a majority, and all great Americans because the they, them, many support you implicitly, almost blindly. Sign things accordingly. Tell you all the time.
Donnie: There was a poll you know, how they all said it.
Ben: Was there really? From who?
Donnie: A poll Benfred.
Ben: I know sir, but who conducted the pol...
Donnie: I SAID THERE WAS A POLL!
Ben: ...right sir, yes, a poll. Surely proved your point of course.
Donnie: Damn fake news didn't report on this poll.
Ben: They never do on the imaginary ones. Bastards!
Donnie: I know. Hate them. So, anyway, again, what's with these freakin' alarms?!!
Ben: They're just to keep you aware of what the next news cycle might be. Like that alarm about Omarosa from a couple of weeks ago.
Donnie: A couple of weeks? Wow, that's a long time. Did it even happen? Can I backtrack and say it didn't?
Ben: But she has tapes sir.
Donnie: Tapes schmapes Benfred. Can I say they were doctored? Like that whole Lester Holt nonsense? Interview...caught on tape...actual words coming out of my mouth. Can I say fudged?
Ben: Best you don't sir. Could be taken the wrong way.
Donnie: The 80's again?
Ben: Never mind.
Donnie: Whatever. She was black though right?
Ben: Yes. Still is.
Donnie: Shit. Probably lost that one.
Ben: Probably, but you won't miss her, plus ya still got Kanye...Tiger...that Pierson chick with the big forehead from your campaign...Zirconium & Polyester...Jim Brown...
Donnie: Forehead is kind of an idiot though.
Ben: She is, but she loves you.
Donnie: Very important.
Ben: But, again, sir, the alarms are just to keep you updated, especially when you're nose deep in Hope.
Donnie: ?
Ben: Your phone?
Donnie: Oh, right.
Ben: Like the numerous Michael Cohen alarms.
Donnie: Those keep going off by the way. Fucking flipper...should be illegal (note to self: call my new loyalty vetted judges, especially Kavanaugh)
Ben: And there's been quite a few Mannafort alarms.
Donnie: (sigh)
Ben: And the alarm for that guy from the National Enquirer
Donnie: (double sigh)
Ben: And the alarm from Sessions taking a pot shot after YOU took another pot shot at him.
Donnie: Evil little elf. Damned ears of his. I might just close the Alice door the next time he comes knockin' here.
Ben: And the alarm from the CPO of your "foundation"
Donnie: Did you just say that in quotes again Benfred?
Ben: No
Donnie: Yes you did.
Ben: Damn these fingers...mind of their own.
Donnie: Yeh, you're not good at that.
Ben: My apologies sir, it's just like anytime you mention Kellyanne or Laura and I suddenly end up with a carrot on my nose...
Donnie: ...and that foundaton does a lot of positive things ya know. Does a lot of good. Some communities praise me for the good it does.
Ben: Great good. All the dollars it hasn't pledged. And your likeness in that one portrait is uncanny. Inspiring for the communities I'm sure.
Donnie: It really is isn't it? Catches the orange in that halo.
Ben: If Christ had an orange halo he'd be you sir.
Donnie: Thank you Benfred, I'll mention that at the next National Prayer Breakfast, Evangelicals eat that shit up...
Ben: ...and ignore all they claim to stand for...
Donnie: ...precisely. But you really have to do something about all of these al...
**ALARM** **ALARM**
Donnie: Oh...what the fuck now Benfred?
Ben: Hold on...you're Ok sir. Seems this one was a just a reminder alarm.
Donnie: Of?!
Ben: Senator John McCain.
Donnie: What about him?
Ben: He died sir?
Donnie: Oh, he did that just to spite me ya know? Ask Kelli Ward, poor girl. Has my full support. She's a doctor. She knows how people can plan their deaths to be spiteful.
Ben: ?
Donnie: Grabbing all the glory. Even in death. War hero yadda yadda, captured yadda yadda. Ya know, if I had been there...
Ben: ...but for your dad and your feet and your cowardice...
Donnie: ...exactly, if I had been there I...
**ALARM** **ALARM**
Ben: They're kneeling again
Donnie: Motherfuckers...I'll plantation teach 'em. Grab my prop!
Ben: Prop?
Donnie: Yeh, we'll whip 'em with it!! It's right over there in the corner Benfred!!
Ben: Ummm, grab your prop...the flag?
Donnie: Yeh, that flag thing...something about Diana Ross...
Ben: ...you mean BETSY Ross?
Donnie: Yeh, but she couldn't sing. I was there. Awful voice.
Ben: The one with the blue stripes?
Donnie: Yeh that one...start waving it and sing along with m...
Ben: ...you really don't want to do that sir...
Donnie: ...why not?...
Ben: ...the words...
Donnie: ...good point, but let's just wave...
Ben: ...just you and me?...
Donnie: ...what?
Ben: The wave? It's a little anti climatic with just two...
Donnie: ...no numbnuts...the Flag...start waving it...
Ben: ...oh right sir...and this is kind of fun actually...it'll surely make the white kids proud to be American...
Donnie: ...it's what I do. I'm an inspiration. You know I could have been an owner right? But they were scared about how good an owner I could have been...wouldn't let me in...
Ben: Yeh, your USFL prowess surely scared them off. The way you took a successful few years and burned it to the ground
Donnie: Hey, they won a dollar.
Ben: Hugely symbolic sir.
Donnie: And they got that because of me! Sure, it wasn't much of a split league wide but nobody has ever given me credit for that.
Ben: It seems to be a theme.
Donnie: Theme?
Ben: The subject of talk, a piece of writing, a person's writing, a person's thoughts or an exhibition, a topic.
Donnie: Benfred?!
Ben: Sorry sir. I googled the definition for you...got it from Dictionary.com...thought it might help. But as I look at it now, not so muc...
Donnie: ...and THOSE fucking guys...
Ben: Sir?
Donnie: ...Google!...not being pro-Trump propaganda...suppressing conservative voic...
**ALARM**
Ben: Duck sir!!
Donnie: (ducking) ...what?!
Ben: Google. They're all knowing!...I think they've pinned our locatio...
(Donnie and Ben in a corner, eyes roaming, vigilant)
Donnie: ...(suddenly singing the jingle)...I think I feel like McDonalds...
Ben: ...me too...(bastards) ... fish filet or a quarter pounder?
Donnie: ...who the hell eats the fish filets Benfred?...quarter pounder for me...no, make that a double quarter pounder...extra cheese...and nuggets, gotta have nuggets...and fries...oh, and make sure the fries are on top of the bag...
Ben: ...of course sir.
(Oh, Cricket, my blind cat, wrote this last part. Just proves that all cats (if even the blind one can find it) are innately drawn to a keyboard whenever you're trying to work on one...not quite sure what she means here but she's apparently very self centered)
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiij*SUAZZZZZZZ
**ALARM SOUND**
Donnie: (waking from napping to Fox and Friends clutching a Sean Hannity pillow...phone falls off the bed to the floor as he sits up) ...what the Hell?! Again?!!
Ben: (rushing in) What's the problem sir?
Donnie: What's the problem?! I don't know...maybe it's these fucking alarms Benfred!
Ben: Relax sir, it's just the new "Trump News Update" alarm system I had installed.
Donnie: My phone! Check my phone! It fell on the floor!
Ben: It's fine sir.
Donnie: You sure? Do we need to call a phone doctor?
Ben: Phone doctor?
Donnie: Yes Benfred, phone doctor. Sheesh!! I've been told they have those you know?! Phone doctor trade schools even. And YOU'RE a doctor for Christ's sake. You should know this. It's the doctor you call if your phone might be hurt or feeling sick.
Ben: Let me check it.
Donnie: Ok, but not too close, cause then I'd have to find somebody to kill you. I know those types of people now by the way. Lot's of national security stuff in there. Big stuff...really important big boy stuff (with emphasis and a knowing nod) INNNNNTEL Benfred...files, honestly, you're just not intelligent enough to handle, given your innate shortcomings an all, nothing personal, and it's all bullet pointed and graphed in color. Very complicated.
Ben: Oh, of course, nothing personal at all, I'm ONLY a neurosurgeon, but on your unsecure phone sir?
Donnie: Shut up Benfred. It's password protected.
Ben: 1 2 3 5?
Donnie: How'd you know? But genius huh? I purposely, I think, left out the...uhhh...the...what's the oth...
Ben: The 4?
Donnie: (shrugging off) right...is she alright?
Ben: She?
Donnie: Shut up AGAIN Ben. Just tell me...is Hope alright?..crap...wait...didn't mean to say that...don't even think about asking.
Ben: You call your phone Hope?
Donnie: What did I just say about not asking Ben?! Jesus!...and it's....uhhh..."Hope"...hope for a better future, less fake news, more official Trump truth through tweets, in case you're curious.
Ben: (wide eyed) Truth?
Donnie: (glares)
Ben: Of course, my bad..."truth" sir.
Donnie: (harder glare)
Ben: My air quote fingers were showing again weren't they?
Donnie: Hmmmm...well, is she ok or what?
Ben: Yes "she's" fine.
Donnie: Wheww, that's a relief. Thank you. I'm sure taking her to a phone doctor in an emergency would have been yugely expensive.
Ben: You got that right sir. Too bad we're not in Canada with THEIR phone doctors. Much cheaper. It's actually included in their citizen plan believe it or not, and with unlimited life minutes too. Have a sick phone? Boom, covered.
Donnie: I know. Gotta have a meeting about that. (Note to self: Canadian phone doctors - lie to Trudeau about why I wanna know, gloat about it later - don't let the generics in) So what's with these alarms Ben? They keep waking me from my beautiful Fox and Friends dreams (loves me that Ainsley), keep scaring the hell out of me when I'm tending to my flower boxes or when I'm counting the rocks in the boxes on my book shelves in the library.
Ben: You have flower boxes?
Donnie: Well, (rolling his eyes) yeaaaaah.
Ben: You mean those rickety unpainted boxes of dry dirt outside the kitchen window?
Donnie: They're a work in progress.
Ben: Did you actually plant any seeds in them?
Donnie: Seeds?
Ben: Yes...oh...never mind. Anything you touch dies anyway.
Donnie: But these alarms? What if they go off when I'm on the golf course? Don't want anyone thinking I might use them to kick a ball in the distraction...
Ben: ...of course not.
Donnie: ...'cause I play an honest game, though with a whatever stroke handicap I decide at the end of the round.
Ben: I know you do sir. Honesty is a hallmark of yours.
Donnie: (raised eyebrow, thinking of glaring)
Ben: No, truly sir, that's what they all say, they say "That Trump, honesty is a hallmark of his"
Donnie: My they?
Ben: Yes sir.
Donnie: Like my lots of they?
Ben: Your lots of they exactly sir.
Donnie: I love them they, especially the lots of they.
Ben: And the everyone too. All encompassing.
Donnie: I know huh?
Ben: Plus the them too, lots of the them...those them always say great things.
Donnie: I know, as they should...so much I've done...
Ben: ...and the many, the many are always on your side...
Donnie: ...I know, passed some of they them in the street just the other day...and they them were very nice...complimented Trump on the job...no one reports this you know...
Ben: ...and you might even say that the them, they, lot's of and many are a majority, and all great Americans because the they, them, many support you implicitly, almost blindly. Sign things accordingly. Tell you all the time.
Donnie: There was a poll you know, how they all said it.
Ben: Was there really? From who?
Donnie: A poll Benfred.
Ben: I know sir, but who conducted the pol...
Donnie: I SAID THERE WAS A POLL!
Ben: ...right sir, yes, a poll. Surely proved your point of course.
Donnie: Damn fake news didn't report on this poll.
Ben: They never do on the imaginary ones. Bastards!
Donnie: I know. Hate them. So, anyway, again, what's with these freakin' alarms?!!
Ben: They're just to keep you aware of what the next news cycle might be. Like that alarm about Omarosa from a couple of weeks ago.
Donnie: A couple of weeks? Wow, that's a long time. Did it even happen? Can I backtrack and say it didn't?
Ben: But she has tapes sir.
Donnie: Tapes schmapes Benfred. Can I say they were doctored? Like that whole Lester Holt nonsense? Interview...caught on tape...actual words coming out of my mouth. Can I say fudged?
Ben: Best you don't sir. Could be taken the wrong way.
Donnie: The 80's again?
Ben: Never mind.
Donnie: Whatever. She was black though right?
Ben: Yes. Still is.
Donnie: Shit. Probably lost that one.
Ben: Probably, but you won't miss her, plus ya still got Kanye...Tiger...that Pierson chick with the big forehead from your campaign...Zirconium & Polyester...Jim Brown...
Donnie: Forehead is kind of an idiot though.
Ben: She is, but she loves you.
Donnie: Very important.
Ben: But, again, sir, the alarms are just to keep you updated, especially when you're nose deep in Hope.
Donnie: ?
Ben: Your phone?
Donnie: Oh, right.
Ben: Like the numerous Michael Cohen alarms.
Donnie: Those keep going off by the way. Fucking flipper...should be illegal (note to self: call my new loyalty vetted judges, especially Kavanaugh)
Ben: And there's been quite a few Mannafort alarms.
Donnie: (sigh)
Ben: And the alarm for that guy from the National Enquirer
Donnie: (double sigh)
Ben: And the alarm from Sessions taking a pot shot after YOU took another pot shot at him.
Donnie: Evil little elf. Damned ears of his. I might just close the Alice door the next time he comes knockin' here.
Ben: And the alarm from the CPO of your "foundation"
Donnie: Did you just say that in quotes again Benfred?
Ben: No
Donnie: Yes you did.
Ben: Damn these fingers...mind of their own.
Donnie: Yeh, you're not good at that.
Ben: My apologies sir, it's just like anytime you mention Kellyanne or Laura and I suddenly end up with a carrot on my nose...
Donnie: ...and that foundaton does a lot of positive things ya know. Does a lot of good. Some communities praise me for the good it does.
Ben: Great good. All the dollars it hasn't pledged. And your likeness in that one portrait is uncanny. Inspiring for the communities I'm sure.
Donnie: It really is isn't it? Catches the orange in that halo.
Ben: If Christ had an orange halo he'd be you sir.
Donnie: Thank you Benfred, I'll mention that at the next National Prayer Breakfast, Evangelicals eat that shit up...
Ben: ...and ignore all they claim to stand for...
Donnie: ...precisely. But you really have to do something about all of these al...
**ALARM** **ALARM**
Donnie: Oh...what the fuck now Benfred?
Ben: Hold on...you're Ok sir. Seems this one was a just a reminder alarm.
Donnie: Of?!
Ben: Senator John McCain.
Donnie: What about him?
Ben: He died sir?
Donnie: Oh, he did that just to spite me ya know? Ask Kelli Ward, poor girl. Has my full support. She's a doctor. She knows how people can plan their deaths to be spiteful.
Ben: ?
Donnie: Grabbing all the glory. Even in death. War hero yadda yadda, captured yadda yadda. Ya know, if I had been there...
Ben: ...but for your dad and your feet and your cowardice...
Donnie: ...exactly, if I had been there I...
**ALARM** **ALARM**
Ben: They're kneeling again
Donnie: Motherfuckers...I'll plantation teach 'em. Grab my prop!
Ben: Prop?
Donnie: Yeh, we'll whip 'em with it!! It's right over there in the corner Benfred!!
Ben: Ummm, grab your prop...the flag?
Donnie: Yeh, that flag thing...something about Diana Ross...
Ben: ...you mean BETSY Ross?
Donnie: Yeh, but she couldn't sing. I was there. Awful voice.
Ben: The one with the blue stripes?
Donnie: Yeh that one...start waving it and sing along with m...
Ben: ...you really don't want to do that sir...
Donnie: ...why not?...
Ben: ...the words...
Donnie: ...good point, but let's just wave...
Ben: ...just you and me?...
Donnie: ...what?
Ben: The wave? It's a little anti climatic with just two...
Donnie: ...no numbnuts...the Flag...start waving it...
Ben: ...oh right sir...and this is kind of fun actually...it'll surely make the white kids proud to be American...
Donnie: ...it's what I do. I'm an inspiration. You know I could have been an owner right? But they were scared about how good an owner I could have been...wouldn't let me in...
Ben: Yeh, your USFL prowess surely scared them off. The way you took a successful few years and burned it to the ground
Donnie: Hey, they won a dollar.
Ben: Hugely symbolic sir.
Donnie: And they got that because of me! Sure, it wasn't much of a split league wide but nobody has ever given me credit for that.
Ben: It seems to be a theme.
Donnie: Theme?
Ben: The subject of talk, a piece of writing, a person's writing, a person's thoughts or an exhibition, a topic.
Donnie: Benfred?!
Ben: Sorry sir. I googled the definition for you...got it from Dictionary.com...thought it might help. But as I look at it now, not so muc...
Donnie: ...and THOSE fucking guys...
Ben: Sir?
Donnie: ...Google!...not being pro-Trump propaganda...suppressing conservative voic...
Ben: Duck sir!!
Donnie: (ducking) ...what?!
Ben: Google. They're all knowing!...I think they've pinned our locatio...
(Donnie and Ben in a corner, eyes roaming, vigilant)
Donnie: ...(suddenly singing the jingle)...I think I feel like McDonalds...
Ben: ...me too...(bastards) ... fish filet or a quarter pounder?
Donnie: ...who the hell eats the fish filets Benfred?...quarter pounder for me...no, make that a double quarter pounder...extra cheese...and nuggets, gotta have nuggets...and fries...oh, and make sure the fries are on top of the bag...
Ben: ...of course sir.
(Oh, Cricket, my blind cat, wrote this last part. Just proves that all cats (if even the blind one can find it) are innately drawn to a keyboard whenever you're trying to work on one...not quite sure what she means here but she's apparently very self centered)
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