Monday, December 24, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - "I Am The Con Man" - Song

So with a last Friday night's time on my hands (the cats could wait a few extra hours for dinner I thought - they weren't happy...but then they were...magic) I finally got a chance to sit down and produce a version of this one, ala "I Am The Walrus." To anyone who may have chanced by my door? Apologies for what you heard as frightening acapela wailing coming from the other side. Didn't mean to startle or to worry you. I'm OK.

I Am The Con Man

I am me as I love me and you are me
And we love me together
See how we plumb we're pigs for the dumb
See dollars run
I'm genius

Sitting on a tax cut
Waiting for some yen to fly
Corporate stock big buy back, stupid farmer loyals
Man you're all bunch of rubes
You let your Trump grow long

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

Mr Mrs Congress sitting
Pretty always at my beck and call
See how they buy with a gleam in their eye
See how they buy
My buuuuuulllshit....
They're buuuuuuying....they're buuuuuying...I'm lyyyyyyyyyyying!

Yellow ting-ed dollars
Making me a buck or three
Trumpy props'll bring it home, tradeymarks'll get it done
Boy I am a wealthy man
I sold the White House down

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

...Sitting in a rose-ed garden
Waiting chance to lie
And if the lie don't play
I'll own my fake by keeping up a perfect face...

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo goo ga-rube

No one tells me what to do it's just the base that's thinking that I'm true
See them form a mob call enemies a slob
See how they cry
For vengeance

No one checking numbers, they take me at my less than word
Money out of pocket, suck it up they musty
Man they are so dumb believe that this is something good

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo ga-rube, goo goo ga-rube ga goo goo ga-rube ga goo


Monday, December 17, 2018

Last Week In Review

Just a quick breakdown of some lowlights from last week that was.

Man-child threw a hissy after his intended photo-op master negotiator victory went south and instead proudly pronounced his future pride of shutting down the government just before Christmas if he didn't get his ego wall (stomping feet, pressed fingers, pursed lips, shit thrown).

Kellyanne "Carott Nose" Conway tweeted some words in a vacuum to "The Chief" (not the honorific she surely wanted to make it seem but just an IQ simplistic short for Chief of Staff) General John Kelly and his family...thoughts and prayers that they may be able to somehow, someday, someway find for John some semblance of the white enabled self respect and credibility he held so dear until he tumbled down a deep dark orange rabbit hole where all such things are forever lost.

Mick "Weasel" Mulvaney, three hundred and thirtieth or so on the list, with lips firmly placed, was named acting "The Chief" giving him a chance to finally take a break from both dreaming a fully realized Paul Ryan-esque draconian budget dream and screwing consumer protections.

Interior Secretary Zinke resigned hoping to maybe step out of and ahead of the new swamp he has so enjoyed swimming in like many before him. He'd like to take his expensive door and some of his guns and animal trophies with him if that's alright.

A child died. Again, with only dreams to blame.

Press Secretary Hucksterbee said she hopes her legacy will be that she has tried to be "transparent and honest" every day (cue canned sitcom laughter)

And, in my favorite moment of the week, Google CEO Sundar Pichai had to explain to Congress why googling "idiot" shows Donald Trump. He somehow restrained himself from responding "Well...duh?"

I know I said "Week in Review" but this might have just been last Tuesday or was it maybe Thursday...I don't know...so much surreal and stupid shit happens so often that it all melds...hard to tell what constitutes a week these days. Now a new moment of required Zen...(Cheers Jon Stewart)

Kittens in paws running fastly...away from the week in review. (starring Blink)


Sunday, December 9, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Musical Interlude - "Great Ego Wall" - The Lyrics

Well, it's just been a damned musical interlude type weekend now hasnt' it? One more singalong from the Trump Treehouse. Invite your friends on stage...raise a beer...cheer the hecklers.

Great Ego Wall

Today is gonna be my day
That we'll build it Red White and Blue
You know your dollars I will throw
At a problem that I've warned you'll rue
No, I will build hysteria
A nation's call to hate and watch it grow

Brown beat, we'll get 'em in a sweep
At the border stopping all trespass
Moms / kids we're evening the score
Don't worry it's a lighter gas
Just don't believe they're innocent
I'm busy building fears
Here and now

Cause all my no bid builders got a handshake
They're loyal friends I promised them a real take
There are many ways for me
To force you to my will
And I'll show you how

Cause baby
A wall is gonna be what saves me
It's after all
A Great Ego Wall

Write a bill attach the money now
Or the government it won't get paid
I'll make up numbers for the base
Cause my magic math it really plays
250 Bill-ion dollars lost is what I'll say
What's 25?

Cause all the GOP they do my bidding
I want this fucking wall and I'm not kidding
Even Cruz is on my side, he's such a spineless wuss
And he loves me now

Cause baby
The wall is my sure twenty twenty
I just gotta ball
This Great Ego Wall

I said pay me
Your money's gonna be what saves me
And I want it all
My Great Ego Wall

Don't play me
The Browns are the Devil's playthings
When done we'll have a big flag group sing
We'll shoot guns in the air to new King.....



Saturday, December 8, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Musical Interlude - "I Am The Con Man" - The Lyrics

Hey! Anyone up for a singalong? I know I am.

I Am The Con Man

I am me as I love me and you are me
And we love me together
See how we plumb we're pigs for the dumb
See dollars run
I'm genius

Sitting on a tax cut
Waiting for some yen to fly
Corporate stock big buy back, stupid farmer loyals
Man you're all bunch of rubes
You let your Trump grow long

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

Mr Mrs Congress sitting
Pretty always at my beck and call
See how they buy with a gleam in their eye
See how they buy
My buuuuuulllshit....
They're buuuuuuying....they're buuuuuying...I'm lyyyyyyyyyyying!

Yellow ting-ed dollars
Making me a buck or three
Trumpy props'll bring it home, tradeymarks'll get it done
Boy I am a wealthy man
I sold the White House down

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

...Sitting in a rose-ed garden
Waiting chance to lie
And if the lie don't play
I'll own my fake by keeping up a perfect face...

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo goo ga-rube

No one tells me what to do it's just the base that's thinking that I'm true
See them form a mob call enemies a slob
See how they cry
For vengeance

No one checking numbers, they take me at my less than word
Money out of pocket, suck it up they musty
Man they are so dumb believe that this is something good

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo ga-rube, goo goo ga-rube ga goo goo ga-rube ga goo

Saturday, November 24, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Ep #13: "Don Can Call Him Sal"

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Saudi's Haters - No, Lovers Club)

Ben Carson: (walking into the mini Treehouse Oval Office)...So I finally cleaned all of the full length mirrors, which was exhausting by the way, and polished the silverwa...

Donnie: ....ssssshhhhh...

Ben: Don't you want to check my pockets?

Donnie: ...sssshhhh!!!!...

Ben: But you always want to check my pockets after I've polished the silverware...a kind of throwback thing right?...you say it's reminder of a better time...

Donnie: ...yes, it WAS a better time...clearly defined roles...but shut the fuck up Benfred will ya! Can't you see I'm on the phone...and long distance...I'm not even sure if I have international in my plan...poor taxpayers might feel this one...

Please enjoy this Verizon Wireless ringback tone while your party is reached

Donnie: Well, that's weird.

Ben: (holding pockets inside out) See? What's weird sir?

Donnie: His ringback. It's usually some sort of Saudiwood sounding stuff, like some uplifting movie dance sequence, not a big fan of the whole uplifting thing of course, against my nature but, I gotta admit, it is pretty catchy and does get my hips moving...not too much though, don't want to expend any unecessary energy...

Ben: No, you wouldn't want to do that. You've only got a limited amount right?

Donnie: Exactly...and gotta conserve...2020 an all...lot's of ego rallies...all that walking around on stage or trying to appear menacing behind a podium and pressing my fingers together, pursing my lips and trying to rile up a mob a with a ton of newly manufactured lies takes a lot...especially in as many small syllable words as possible...but it does have a great vibe...and you should have seen those Saudi babes dancing to something just like that the last time he hosted me...man, I love the veils...such sexy mystery...but I didn't say anything rude about how hot they were...and I didn't ask for any "company" on THAT night...

Ben: ...of course you didn't. You're all about decorum.

Donnie: That's right...what?

Ben: Uh, decorum?

Donnie: That's three syllables Ben. Don't fuck with me.

Ben: Sorry...it's just that you're respectful like that...proper decorum...I've never heard of you ever saying anything inappropriate...wait...who are we talking about here?

Donnie: Salman..."Sal".

Ben: The Saudi Crown Prince? Mohammed Bin Salman? You call him "Sal"?

Donnie: Yeh, I call him "Sal" in private, came up with that nickname all on my own...ingenious huh? and he loves it...just loves it...tells me all the time how much he loves it..."Oh Donnie" he says, he calls me Donnie, very cute, but very bro, "love how you can call me Sal"...says that nobody before me thought of shortening "Salman" to "Sal"...tells many people the same thing...tried to go with "Fish" at first and then "Mo" but "Sal" really stuck...plus he said "Mo" for Mohammed was a bit of a sacrilege for some reason...I didn't get it...and hell, he's got like 17 other names...I can't possibly be expected to know them all...and why is that anyway? Why so many names? Why can't it just be simple? You know first name, last name, like all good Anglo Saxons, maybe an added initial, a number or a Junior or even a hyphen for Facebook for women who want you to remember who they were just in case things aren't working ou...

Ben: ...other cultures sir...the world is a complex, complicated and beautiful place...

Donnie: ...fucking foreigners...

Ben: Ummm...right that, so right you are...fucking foreigners...(fist bump not returned)...but he's who you're trying to call right now?...on your unsecured cell pho...

Donnie: ...shut up Ben. It's not like I'm emailing him from a personal account or something. Sheesh, that can get hacked and there might be hundred of thousands to delete. This is MY cell phone...locktight. But his ringback has changed...all I hear now is awkward silence.

Ben: Weird...but why are you trying to call HIM?

Donnie: To thank him.

Ben: For what?

Donnie: For writing that big statement I read the other day about why I'm taking no action on this reporter thing.

Ben: (incredulous) Reporter "thing"?

Donnie: Yeh...that Katz Yogi...I think he may have been Jewish and a weirdo...damned Soros...(confused look)...what?

Ben: He wasn't Jewish and it's Kashoggi. He was a Muslim.

Donnie: Well that's even worse. Anyway Stephen Miller is off this week on vacation...

Ben: I know. I saw him before he left. He had his suitcase, was wearing that iron cross chain he's so fond of, had some Tiki Torches under his arm and was sporting a brand new haircut...

Donnie: ...so the Crown Prince and his script writers offered to help me draft the statement. I would have preferred Miller, he really knows how to stir the divide, throw blame and shower me with unearned praise...I added a little bit myself though, as always, including the exclamation points.

Ben: I'm sure you did. Did you use CAPS in this one?

Donnie: I tried to get some in but they told me the exclamation points just served the same purpose or something strange like that. That part about "maybe he did but maybe he didn't!"? Exclamation point? Mine! Sal loved that part. I wanted to CAPS the "didn't" at the end of the sentence but hey, what can ya do...I deferred to the experts...still, that exclamation point was all me.

Ben: Sounds like you.

Donnie: I do have a style.

Ben: But you do know that Kashoggi was a good man and a journalist that was brutally murdered for speaking his mind right, for being critical of the royal family?...and he was a U.S. resident?

Donnie: Did you catch the part of the statement where the Saudis say that this Katz Yogi was an "enemy of the state"?...love that part...subtlety isn't usually my thing but I helped them there too. There’s lots of states journalists can be enemies of ya know. Figured I’d send a little message. Nailed it I think.

Ben: ...that he was human being, was dismembered and his body disposed of in acid?...and that the CIA is pretty convinced the Crown Prince ordered the whole thing…

Donnie: CIA Shmee I A Benfred. Who ya gonna believe? An intelligence agency who does this sort of thing tirelessly and relentlessly 25 hours a day or my bought and paid for gut? Great business there in Saudi in case you didn't know...you really should go...big dollars...hell, you'll make money just by showing up...thankfully people are still buying the story of my Tax Returns being locked up in audit...throw my name around if you need to...plus, Sal told me he had nothing to do with it (Note to self: Un-invite Haspel from the Kahoggi briefing)

Ben: Well (sighing) enough said on that then right? If he told you he had nothing to do with it. Kinda like Vlad?

Donnie: Exactly. Vlad said he had nothing to do with what's turned out to be this Witch Hunt...(quizzical look)

Ben: What?

Donnie: Did you just put a carrot on your nose again...like last time?

Ben: (removing carrot) No.

Donnie: Shit Ben, if ya can't trust the word of a despot who can you trust?

Ben: Good point. They are nothing if not reliable in their ability to be despoty. So what are you going to do now?

Donnie: Nothing. But I gotta get Sal something.

Ben: (to self - Jesus, please not another fucking fruit basket).

Donnie: Hey did Cesar Sayoc get that Kavanaugh fruit basket I re-gifted to him?

Ben: Probably not sir. He's in prison and that pineapple centerpiece has probably gone bad by now. I imagine they don't deliver fruit baskets in prison either.

Donnie: Well that sucks. It's the thought though, right?

Ben: Indeed. I'm sure he appreciates it if he even knows.

Donnie: I'm thinking of tweeting a thank you to Sal for gas prices coming down by the way. Nice distraction. The base loves that shit. Show 'em I'm providing.

Ben: Even when they're thinking of slowing production to drive prices back up?

Donnie: C'mon Ben, Sal wouldn't do that. I call him Sal for Christ's Sake, we're pals. Plus right now they're low, and that looks good.

Ben: Especially when your tax cuts have been such a bust for the regular folk.

Donnie: It'll trickle Ben. It'll trickle. It always does.

Ben: No, actually, it never does...you already tweeted that by the way.

Donnie: What?

Ben: That gas prices have come down.

Donnie: I did? Damn I'm good.

Ben: It was only a by a couple of cents though.

Donnie: Didn't I make up a bigger number? That's kind of my thing. You know, like how many American jobs ignoring this Katz Yogi thing was worth

Ben: Yeh, that going from 40,000 right to 400,000 and then eventually to a Million was quite impressive even by your exaggerated exaggerating standards, or your completely imaginary billions of billions the Saudi’s might pour into the states here and, like always, you somehow kept a straight face. But you can’t make up a number in this case sir.

Donnie: Why the fuck not?

Ben: Because it would be too easy to check your magic math to actual numbers the average Joe is really paying at the pumps.

Donnie: I like that.

Ben: Like what sir?

Donnie: The "average Joe". Has that been used before? "Average Joe"? I should lay claim to that. Just the Joe's through...keep the Joan's out of this. Good looking, bare foot and silent is best.

Ben: I think you've said that before.

Donnie: Then it must be good. Gotta write that one down...average Joe's...Joe's good...Joan's bad...bare feet.

Ben: But they'll know the numbers don't match up when they go to pay.

Donnie: But if I tell them the price has come down to, like, a nickel a gallon because of me they're not gonna buy it?

Ben: Not if that nickel is really $2.65 or so instead of $2.67.

Donnie: Ahhhh, "yee" of little faith Benfred...that kinda thing also helps keep the evangelicals in line by the way...shit, I've even got that nutcase Michele Bachmann praying for Sal...just gotta pepper in a "Yee" here and a "Thee" there and make pretend at prayer breakfasts...ahhhh, YEE of little faith Benfred...and THEE

Ben: Got the point sir. So they'll think they're paying 5 cents when it's really $2.65 and they'll just endure the pain?

Donnie: It's what I do Ben and what they keep accepting.

Ben: You really are good at this.

Donnie: Props to me. You can have that fist bump now.

Ben: (smiles) too cool!

Donnie: Did you just add an exclamation point to that?

Ben: I did.

Donnie: Then my work is done.

Ben: Can I rewrite and throw a CAPS on TOO COOL?!

Donnie: Knock yourself out. You can never go wrong when you revision. Empty your pockets by the way.

Ben: It was only a spoon.

Donnie: All good and a fine spoon I'm sure...but really, empty your pockets.

Ben: Awwww sir!

(Canned sitcom audience laughter)

Donnie: (Grins to the camera holding a spoon)




















Sunday, November 11, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Ep #12: "Re-gifting A Fruit Basket And The Closing Of The Alice Door"

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Alice Haters Club)

Donnie: (heavy sigh) Well he didn't sign for it and it got returned.

Ben: Who's "he" sir and what's "it"?

Donnie: Kavanaugh. He wouldn't sign for the fruit basket I sent him and now it's been returned.

Ben: Oh, I'm sorry, that's a shame sir. And after all the thought and energy you put into trying to make it just perfect.

Donnie: I know. With a pineapple centerpiece too and like, 3 grapes, an apple, a burner cell and even an Olive Garden gift card...

Ben: ...and those bland whitebread muffins with chocolate chips, which I thought was a wonderfully symbolic 'we can all work together' touch and the portrait of you glaring for the kicker...

Donnie: Yeh, I called him, he said something about it seeming improper.

Ben: Well, that's surprising, considering his obviousness in the confirmation hearings. You'd think he'd be right there when it comes to innapropriate gifts and the appearance of graft. Doesn't bode well for future gifts depending on the court's cases now does it?

Donnie: No it doesn't dammit, but he and I WILL talk again. You think I can re-gift it? Ya know, before the pineapple goes bad?

Ben: Well, I guess you could.

Donnie: How about that Cesar Sayoc guy? He could certainly do with a little pick me up. Great American patriot that one, loved my ego rallies, bought a hat, pretty buff too, and did his part to help keep the failing US Postal service afloat. Surely he could use some muffin lovin' right about now, as opposed to what he's probably gettin', and who wouldn't like that Olive Garden gift card?

Ben: Everyone loves an Olive Garden gift card sir but....ummmm...probably best to steer clear of that particular re-gifting. Pretty bad optics on that one I think. Plus Olive Garden might not even exist when he's done.

Donnie: Good point, sad, but good point. Speaking of Olive Garden, I'm famished. Care to run for a pick-up?

Ben: Sure.

.......................................


Ben: (entering while calling into the Treehouse) Sorry sir, apparently unlimited breadsticks is a dine in only thing...sir?...sir?

(sounds of sawing and hammering and cursing)

Ben: Sir? What are you doing? Are you Ok?

Donnie: I hit my ring kiss finger. This is definitely gonna be a boo-boo.

Ben: I can see that...

Donnie: ...think you can give it a little smooch...

Ben: That would be a no sir.

Donnie: Miss my mommy...

Ben: I'm sure you do...but, again, what are you doing?

Donnie: I'm closing up the Alice door.

Ben: The what door?

Donnie: The Alice door. The little one that I had for Sessions here after he fell down the hole and ate the small recusal cake.

Ben: Oh, right...sorry, forgot about that...been so long since he was here at the Treehouse.

Donnie: That was his own choice Benfred. It's not like I didn't invite him.

Ben: But you DIDN'T invite him.

Donnie: Exactly. He recused himself from this door, but he was always welcome.

Ben: Ummm...and how did that work sir?

Donnie: Never mind. I just wanna close it up, plus varmints could get in. This is a Treehouse after all. Pesky squirells always looking for nuts...

Ben: ...good spot for that here...

Donnie: ...and media types climbing around always looking for truth. Fucking truth, so overated. Can't leave any doors untended.

Ben: So now, after you've fired Sessions, does that mean Whitaker will use the regular door?

Donnie: Who?

Ben: Whitaker, the guy you unconstitutionally named acting A...

Donnie: Shhhhh...(whispering and head nervously bobbling around)...I know who Whitaker is Ben, but I DON'T you understand...never met him socially...catch my drift?

Ben: No, but I'll go with it.

Donnie: (back out loud) Never met the guy, but he is certainly qualified. Many Congressman say the sam...

Ben: ...but didn't you meet with him, not too long ago, to discuss the Meuller prob...

Donnie: ...(back to whispering) No Ben! Shit! You're no good at this shhhhssssing to an aside whisper thing!

Ben: Sorry, it's easy to get lost with you sir.

Donnie: It's my eyes...and I didn't fire him Ben...

Ben: Who?

Donnie: Sessions.

Ben: Oh, right.

Donnie: I didn't fire him Ben, he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting...

Ben: ...at your request...

Donnie: ...yes, so I didn't really fire him, he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting...

Ben: ...at your request...

Donnie: ...yes, so I didn't really fire him...

Ben: Seems we're stuck in a loop sir.

Donnie: ...he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting...

Ben: ...at your request...

Donnie: ...yes, so I didn't really fire him...

Ben: (throws a brand new silver dollar, a flag and a gold cross on the floor)

Donnie: ...(scrambles) ooooohhh, shiny...(more scrambles)...and patriotically fluttery...and (eyes lit up)...ooooohhh, evangelically shiny...

Ben: Sir? Come back. You with me now?

Donnie: (confused head shakes but coming around) ...ummm, yeh, I think so.

Ben: (to self) works every time. Good. So Whitaker can use the regular door?

Donnie: (back at full strength) Who?

Ben: That's better.

Donnie: Might have to widen it a bit though, he's got a really big basketball sized cue ball-like head.

Ben: But it'll be worth it right?

Donnie: Damn straight! Even though I don't know the guy (winks)...

Ben: (winks back)

Donnie: ...he'll fit right in here.

Ben: Gotta love someone who thinks you're all powerful huh? Above the law.

Donnie: Part of my required's Ben.

Ben: You vetted him personally right?

Donnie: If I had ever met him, of course. And I let him keep the pen. Well gotta run.

Ben: ?

Donnie: Off to Paris with the...with the...with the...damn...

Ben: The first lady?

Donnie: Oh right...Being Best an all...still don't get that one...and I know all about best...yes her. Gotta talk about WWI or something like that...big war you know Ben...tough war...fought like a war...I almost fought a war...foot hurt...was a big one as wars go...the reason they named it #1...like me, #1...I'm considered an expert on it by the way...not too many people know that...

Ben: No, pretty much no one knows that.  I checked the forecast. You want I should pack you an umbrella?

Donnie: No need.




























Sunday, November 4, 2018

A Final Friday Night Lights (And Saturday) For The Season

"Ya might wanna avert your eyes sis, cause I'm stripping naked in front of your dryer" That was the greeting to my sis, Rebecca Frankenberry after I arrived sponge-like at her house following a rain soaked game one in my double header weekend. She and the nephews, Jake and Matty, live near Schenectady and were my sleep stop between games on this final weekend of Friday Night Lights (and one Saturday). These Friday football nights have come to an end for this season with Spectrum Sports but I have to say thanks to Spectrum and especially to my good friend Greg Bobbitt for the chance to work as much of the schedule as I was able. My appreciation of always being considered by Greg when it comes to games/events and the ability to get some work is something I don't think I could ever offer enough of. The games in the Albany area were new to me this season, and a bit of a drive and my arrivals at whatever field we were at for these recent Friday nights were usually greeted by crew mates with something akin to "Jesus, did you just drive the two hours up here for this AGAIN?" along with surely an internal aside "you silly bastard" followed, then, a tired good number of hours later, by a game finished/breakdown done "You heading home two hours again...you silly bastard?" (no internal asides at end of game by the way - everyone's WAY too tired for that nicety shit by then).

Now I realize I'm not hitting the lottery with these jobs, but the money is still a pretty good dollar that I didn't have and can always use, four hour round trips nothwithstanding but, really, it's more than that. It's just that tongue in cheek "Jesus did you drive up here again?" comraderie and hand shakes and fist bumps that makes the trip worth it - plus we get fed. Anyone that knows ME and anyone that knows a regular radio or TV production life knows that getting fed goes a pretty long fucking way.

But it's being part of a crew of really good, accomplished, hard working and funny, sarcastic sometimes playfully caustic folks who you can call friend and who are really good at what they do that makes the gigs worth it. It's the knowing pride of producing a top notch broadcast that you would gladly stack up against anyone else's, somewhere else, doing the same.

Plus for me it's always been a welcome break from the daily, a place to ignore the emails and the phone calls and the demands and expectations of the regular life/job gig, instead, just getting to concentrate on the game at hand, damning any obligations...and get paid for it. You can't go wrong with that and Friday Night Lights have always been the best of the sports for me to enjoy this break.

Over the years with Time Warner to now Spectrum (I've been doing this for 12+ now I think...thank you Jack George) we've done lacrosse, basketball, soccer, others I'm maybe forgetting, badmintton? Quite possible, but it's football that I enjoy the most. I've mentioned this in posts before, but there is something, as we all know, about the fall and football, something about the love and fervor and dedication of the fans (family, students, local pride) and the passion of the players and the coaches in the warm Septembers that lead to the cool Octobers and then to crisp Novembers. I eventually get to layer up (which I enjoy until the first snowflake), see my breath, use my phone only as a camera and enjoy the solitude of a Friday football sideline's wonderfully loud football cliche'd but passionate shout/grunt chorus of coordinated chaos.

And I also get to feel a bit creative in this "solitude" and write some posts like I have of this, new to me, northern New York, like discovering that Guilderland is NOT of Middle Earth though it sounds as if it should be, of noting that a Ville of some type is pretty much the go-to town designation in these here parts and of being painfully obvious and juvenile in pointing out that Ballston sounds like a place with a ton of balls.

I was able, for instance, while patrolling the sidelines with my parabolic mic, to notice that a number of players for Shenendahowa were just a letter away from being something completely different. "Lasher" was a beginning "Sh" away from being hunted by the authorities, "Belott" was almost a Mel Ott but playing the wrong sport, "Altenburger" was just an "I" in place of a "T" from aliens opening their own other universe burger joint, maybe 5 Eyes Burger and Fries. "Blowers" possibly came from a family of glass makers, or noticing that there was a "Trump" and an almost McCain ("McCane") proving that up north here does have it's red spots. There was, as well, a "Beach" to lessen the cold a "Hill" for something to inspire you to take and, my favorite, a "Fubare"...FUBAR with an extra "E" for maybe "E"verything that might come after being FUBAR.

No, on this last weekend for us, a couple of teams were excitedly crowned champions while a couple of teams were left in tears, tears I genuinely felt while recalling my own sports losses, my own head in my hands, my own pounding of the turf in frustration, but I wouldn't trade those losses for wins any day, and hopefully this youth won't either, because eventual victories will be that much sweeter. And though I was loathe to do these drives in the first place, not wanting to add variables to my somewhat comfy regular, I wouldn't trade for anything my last couple of months and those couple of hours there and back up and down the Thruway for these Friday Night Lights with the crew...friends...and some damn fine pizza.













A






Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Mid-Terms: Transparent Trumpian Desperation, Lies, Stunts, Boogeymen & More "Kitten's Drinking Water Rather Quickly" Zen

(After I posted this there was a breaking news update later that evening: Similar to Donnie's magic math in rationalizing his tepid and lame response to the brutal murder of journalist Jamal Kashoggi at the the hands of the Saudi's and whether he would punish them he cited our arms deal and the many jobs it had created. Now back in March that number was 40,000. But when pressed with the new situation of the Kashoggi question the number of jobs was suddenly 400,000, then soon 500,000 and eventually as many as a million. Since Trump is no stranger to flattering himself with the impressiveness of large, larger and larger still numbers, most often imaginary he, just today, just ahead of the mid-terms, broke out his magic math again and increased the number of 'possible' troops to a currently caravan-less border to as much as 15,000 from an original number that followed the same small then less small then suddenly large math path as the arms jobs. Baby 5 time deferment General knows how the military and bigger numbers play with the base huh?)

With less than a week to the mid-terms the Trumpian desperation of lies and fearmongering has been mounting now to new levels or, actually sinking to ever new lows…

- …with obviously transparent lies like the promised non-existent 10% middle class tax cut somehow coming within two weeks when congress isn’t even in session, forcing his admin to scramble to red alert (again) to try and lend some credence to the claim, a claim that also, essentially, admits that the highly touted, great for “you” Tax Cut was indeed, as reported, just a debt busting, trickle down scam benefiting the wealthy and was never intended for you/us at all…

- …with the sudden empty claims that Republicans will protect people with pre-existing conditions far better than Dems while the GOP, in some states, is suing to end those protections and that those protections were one of the main elements of Obamacare they wanted to gut…

- …with the appealing to the inherent bigotry of his base, especially evangelicals by proposing, for the absurd “protection of all Americans”, a war on transgender peoples and an attempt to just simply wipe them away…

- …with the appealing to the inherent racism of his base by doubling down on immigrants “first they came for the immigrants”, one of the main favored boogeyman of he and his supporters, by sending hundreds of troops to the border well ahead of the expected arrival of the caravan but just close enough ahead of the election to fire up this mongered racism but also to pretty easily seen for the desperate political theater that it is...

- ...and with, continuing along this boogeyman line, the latest attempt at abuse of executive power by trying to undo an actual amendment to the constitution (birthright) because we all know, even though Trump and especially his GOP congressional lapdogs make big word at swearing to uphold the constitution, what they mean is that that swearing is only for the parts of it that suit his/their needs and backwards agenda. WE know that THEY know trying to change this amendment through Executive action won't happen, but they also know that you just have to say the intention out loud to stir up the base hate and it also helps to have purchased the Supreme Court swing vote just in case. And it’s important to back up your reasoning with the completely false complaint that we’re the only country that has a law like this to make it seem like there's some righting of an obvious stupidity when in fact there are over 30 nations who have the same. But, hell, Trump knows his supporters don’t let facts get in the way of blind support…

 - …with the ratcheting up of his non-stop attacks on the Media (any that won’t just bow as ring kiss propaganda) as a way to try and distance himself from his obvious culpability in radicalizing mail bombers and synagogue shooters with lies, incendiary language, ignorance and encouragements of violence by, instead, trying to cast the blame of hatred and division on his and his supporters other favored boogeyman (minus Fox State News of course and their morning Trump Sesame Street, Fox and Friends).

So, with this desperate, selfish yet un-self aware, irresponsible, lying, vilifying, appealing to the basest of bases pull out all the stops shit against the wall kitchen sink approach leading up to the mid-terms we continually find the need to catch a bit of clarity, cleanse our #TrumpDumbDown beaten psyches, even if it’s only for a few seconds. A quick re-boot if you will.

A dear friend of mine and I would say, when maybe things got a little bleak, or we had images or words in our head that we couldn’t un-see or un-hear that we needed to Google puppies and kittens in our minds. So, thus, another installment of “Kittens Drinking Water Rather Quickly” Ep #2: Friends.

Thanks Go-Cart. And you puppy with no name yet who is a very good dancer though not as evidenced by this video. You are sanity savers.

Vote.







In A #TrumpDumbDown World A Necessary Moment Of Zen - "Kittens Drinking Water Rather Quickly"

While we live in this new profoundly ignorant era of the #TrumpDumbDown, where the bar has been set so comically low to accommodate the un-learned, so con-manelly low that we're forced to combat a charlatan from a new, practically negative level and grudgingly accept the fight with this undeserved so-self-called genius, set so low that we can still berate the press with Hitler-esque exclamations of "enemy of the people" at yet another ego rally while calling for unity (or obeisance in a Trump world) all while celebrating the beating down of a journalist by a lapdog congressman, elected in spite of such, and just days after another journalist being brutally murdered for simply publishing unkind truths and not be called out on it, a bar set so low that some are willing to buy any snake oiled "truths"/lies we still get our moment of Zen.

Attention span...MAGA. "Cover me!"..."locked and loaded"..."is that a kitten?"..."did it say something about Trump?"..."mail it a bomb!"

...we still get 3 seconds of "Kittens Drinking Water Rather Quickly" (as played by little 'Go-Cart' in a Seinfeldian venture just minus all the annoying dialogue) and we still hope. Vote. Vote with urgency.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Friday Night Lights Redux: Ballston Lake - The Lake of Heavy Balls?

Friday Night Lights Redux: Tonight we followed the map of not Middle Earth from last week, north of Guilderland, to the not shire of Ballston Lake, the origin of which, according to ancient lore, came from a race of overly confident, often braggadocious peoples who, simply, had a ton of balls and liked large, still bodies of water.

To get there we first travelled near and through many a small town including Scotia, where it seems the original pioneers, intent on making it to a far off paradise called Canada, maybe anticipating a time, many generations in the future, where healthcare would be a right and not a priviledge and people would be friendly, simply got plum tired and stopped, adopting just half of the name of their intended destination. New legend has it that they're waiting and praying for Major League Baseball Pitcher Ivan Nova to relocate there and finally fullfill their destiny (while also awaiting their doctor to call them back with the bad news from the insurance company).

Along this original journey many of the travellers broke off from the group to lay claim in the area to their own small patch of dreams, to quite a few "Villes" - Aurie, Livingston, Johnsen (of the sausage maybe?), Clark, a Mechanic (as important as a blacksmith), Green, Rensselaer (a haughty Dutch fellow) and even Maria and Glenn (formerly a loving couple but whose contentious divorce found them moving to either sides of a river...Maria then kept a lake in the settlement). Seriously...it is a LOT of freakin' "Villes" here in upstate New York..

So, again, we found ourselves in Ballston Lake (the lake of heavy balls?), where new legend would would be written of a proud Knight of the Queen, for the realm of Queensbury, he of the visitors, who would champion her in friendly competition, scoring ALL of his team's 42 points with 6 touchdown runs and three 2-point conversions only after following a 1st quarter that was just ONE drive...ONE...12 minutes plus a single play into the 2nd quarter for the first score. A grand evening it was for the queen and for her proud people who travelled well and wittily in their support.

For myself, a serf of the Order of the Observers of Spectrum of Sports? It was also a grand evening. I had another night in fine Fall weather of, again, quieting the noise of a too often frustrating daily life, instead enjoying the sidelines of a High School Football game while also witnessing this seemingly effortless writing of a new legend for the Queen. A tapestry of his heroics has, surely, already been commisioned.









Saturday, October 6, 2018

Friday Night Lights in Guilderland (Not Of Middle Earth)

So, Friday Night Lights have been back on again for me this season with Spectrum Sports, which is nice because I still really enjoy the obligation free "quiet" few hours of the sidelines on these now cool, crisp Fall Fridays and also because I can ALWAYS use the extra dollars (I do radio after all).

Last night we were near Albany in Guilderland, a place that sounds like you could find it on a map of Middle Earth but in reality is not nearly as magical. I don't recall Middle Earth having as many mini shopping strips. They do though, apparently, refer to themselves in Guilderland here, in the student section, as the Red Sea. So what they lack in Middle Earthian magic they make up for in big biblical references I guess. I'm just glad, for their sakes, that Saratoga's QB wasn't named Moses. They were also huge fans of clapping monster sized clouds of talcum powder, ala LeBron, that either wafted by me or that I just ended up walking right through. Safe to say, at least, that chafing wasn't an issue last night.

Well, another Friday Night Lights it was then.










Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Mitch McConnell: Weasel King

Of all players in White House circles over the last 2 years, from the Orange Devil on down, has any proven themselves to be more consistent at being a power mad, condescendingly hypocritical little weasel than Mitch McConnell? Now, mind you, there’s plenty of Trump weasel’s, Lindsey Graham being the most high profile lately, but he and the rest are mostly just of the sycophantic, pursed lips, bent knee, ring kissing, lap-dog kind (think Devine Nunes with a collar).

But Mitch is a special kind of weasel as he pompously scolds Dems and the left for their treatment of poor, unhinged, Brett Kavanaugh, and bemoaning some sort of breakdown of the process while also seeming to have a pretty short memory. #MerrickGarland. He will force a fast vote even before, if need be, what will be an incomplete, whitewashed, unthorough FBI investigation is concluded (extremely limited scope and in less than a week to start but then expanded so we’ve been lied to but still to end within a week? Right). He feels he can get the votes right now especially if GOP double agent, Joe Manchin, folds and decides on possible political survival in a red state over what is right or if Heidi Heitcamp does the same. And of course there's Collins, Murkowski and the great pretender, Flake. Mitch knows they're just empty words.

Mitch REALLY wants this one. Kavanaugh is the GOP’s backwards agenda unicorn. He is pro-corporate anti-worker, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-civil rights, anti-Roe vs Wade and most importantly he is pro-unfettered Executive Power with no check of possible prosecution. And for somebody who is also power-mad with serious autocratic intent like Donald Trump? That’s just really fucking dangerous. I mean, you know Trump didn’t shadily go behind closed doors (though, in his defense, shady is his M.O. - he does NOTHING above board) with a sitting Supreme Court Justice who had proven to be a swing vote over the years to strike a deal for the most politically advantageous timing of his retirement (Kennedy has surely been compensated well) without also personally vetting his successor for blind loyalty and partisanship? And we saw that partisanship on full display at the recent hearings with his Clinton conspiracy nonsense just one of numerous examples.

No, for Mitch and the GOP Kavanaugh is that unicorn, a Trump bought and paid for hard 5-4 on the court. This one is too important to lose and over what, something some woman claims? All the too powerful white men just say “pshawww” to that. Or now easily found instances of Kavanaugh lying under oath? Since when has that been important right? They will find no low too low, no hypocrisy they don’t like, they will justify any awful behavior (as they do daily with Trump) and use the tried and true Trump-style claiming of victim status to get this partisan hack confirmed.

Mitch, the Weasel King, can be inspiring this way.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Ep #11: "The Question Of A Fruit Basket, The Right Fiber And A Movement"

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Real "Fiber" Haters Club)

Donnie: So what kind of fruit do you think he likes?

Ben: Fruit sir?

Donnie: Yeh, for a basket.

Ben: For who?

Donnie: Who do you think Benfred? Who I have been fawning and frothing over lately?

Ben: Hope still?

Donnie: No Ben.

Ben: But you do stare at her pictures a lot in that little candle lit shrine in the closet off your mock Oval Office here in the Treehouse.

Donnie: No Ben! Not Hope! Guess already!!

Ben: I really don't know sir. I Can't read your mind.

Donnie: I know, it's like a steel trap.

Ben: It is a trap alright sir.

Donnie: C'mon, it's for Brett. What kind of fruit should I get in a basket for him? And jams...yeh, maybe jams...everybody loves jams right?...or is it preserves?

Ben: Jellies too sir.

Donnie: Dammit Benfred, don't add another...Shit confuses me enough with just two. Do I call Ahmad at the deli for a bagel with JAM and extra extra butter? Do I call the Ahmad at the deli for a bagel with PRESERVES and extra extra butter? Do I send ICE to pick up the order? He got lucky that last time by the way. The two is enough Ben without you throwing a fucking wild card "Jelly" in the mix!

Ben: Sorry sir, I know, two IS a lot.

Donnie: What about muffins? Do you include muffins in something like this?

Ben: Well, some do and fiber is important.

Donnie: It is! It's healthy I've heard. That's why my McDonalds always comes in a bun...

Ben: ..but that's not really fiber....

Donnie: ...and it's especially important in a movement, you need people of questionable "fiber"and low opinions right? 'Cause this IS a movement Benfred. Number one? Don't you be fooled by what the fake news sprays around, and, number two? This has been a real movement ever since the let go...

Ben: ?

Donnie: ...get go, sorry. Since the get go. Since day one.

Ben: And two sir.

Donnie: Exactly. And all the days after that.

Ben: We all the know the movement sir, a proud movement, hopped on right behind the horses pullin' the Trump Wagonwheel backwards, shovels in hand, longcoats and half gallon hats and fedoras and bowlers, and, just like you said, since day one. It's healthy two. Nature's broom. Gotta keep regular.

Donnie: Oh, I like that.

Ben: What's that sir?

Donnie: Keeping regular, like a regular Joe. A regular Joe movement...

Ben: ...Yes sir! Go with it...

Donnie: ...don't stop me...regular Joe's gotta movement too right? It's ME. I'm their movement! And we tell 'em it's constitutional. Regular Joe's eat that constitutional shit up, even though they don't understand it.

Ben: You still have your constitution pamphlet from the tour?

Donnie: Damn straight I do. Know it inside and out, very inspirational, especially the pictures...I memorized all the pictures...love that one of the tall guy with the beard and long hat. A daily constitutional reminder of a movement...

Ben: ...exactly sir. Keep going...you're on a roll...

Donnie: ...I am!...see this Ben? No one sees this...or reports on it...when I get going...when I get this whip smart genius ticking...I frighten even myself with the ticking...frighten so many people and so many nations with the ticking...like a doomsday clock...on a roll indeed...

Ben: ...whole wheat I hope?

Donnie: (screeching halt) What?!

Ben: Whole wheat? The roll? The one you're on? Good fiber? I'm kidding?

Donnie: Who the hell eats whole wheat rolls Benfred? Tree huggers smelling of pitched hooley and whales? Jesus Benfred!

Ben: But?

Donnie: No! None of that mongrelizing of the bread crap! This is a whitebread muffin movement Benfred!

Ben: Fiber pills then maybe? Just in case?

Donnie: Wait...idea (flat dull bell sound)...I'm thinking at my next ego rally all 45,000 people that show up get a muffin...maybe dyed red, white and blue.

Ben: Is that safe sir? Those dyes can have a history of being harmfu...

Donnie: ...I'm the FDA Ben...

Ben: Right

Donnie: ...all 45,000 zealots...

Ben:...zealots?...

Donnie: ...supporters...all 45,000 supporters get a Red White and Blue muffin...

Ben: ...in that place that only holds 6,000 peop...

Donnie: ...yes, all 45,000 get a red, white and blue whitebread muffin to symbolize the movement...it'll say "all Joe's can be regular whitebread Americans"...

Ben: ...all Joan's too sir?

Donnie: What?

Ben: All Joan's? It'll symbolize they're regular too like Joe? Men AND women?

Donnie: Who's Joan?

Ben: ...an example of the wome...

Donnie: Women too?...Whatever. So pink cinnamon raisin? Pink poppy seed? Pink pound cake? Chocolate chip?

Ben: We all love chocolate chip right?

Donnie: I'm sure YOU do and I know I do, especially in an election year. What have chocolate chips got to lose in a whitebread muffin right?

Ben: But why the need for a fruit basket sir?

Donnie: Just a gesture Ben.

Ben: But you don't make gestures sir.

Donnie: I know, always costs too much and can eventually be traced, plus gestures should only be made to me...ring kiss, bent knee preferably. But in this case I'll make an exception and reach ou...

Ben: ...that's big of you...

Donnie: ...I know, again...I'm giving like that...

Ben: ...a thank you for a promised fealty sir?

Donnie: Not trying to buy a house here Benfred. If ya haven't noticed I already have one. It's big, it's white, gets wet when it rains. But if you mean realty, well, of course (duh), that's how this shit works Benfred. You don't shadily go behind closed doors with a sitting Supreme Court Justice and the soundtrack from "The Godfather" to work out a plan for the timing of his retirement and the choosing of his successor without the successor's pinky oath. Damn, you can be dim sometimes. But it's more a gesture of gratitude for hanging in there and doing his best to lie through this onslaught of questions...I mean who the hell asks questions at a confirmation hearing? Should be just "Is your name Brett?" Yes. "Did Trump nominate you?" Yes. Bada Boom...Done! That should be it! But no, fucking Dems insist on the convention of questions like any other old hearing. Where does he stand on this, where does he stands on that, will he bring back the Make America Great Again days of backroom abortions, will he piss on gay folks and workers rights, will he help anoint me King, yadda yadda yadda? It's not that easy to constantly sidestep the truth Ben...believe me I know....so he deserves a gesture...(chokes)...a gesture from...me (chokes again)...this is so hard Benfred.

Ben: I know it is sir. So magnanimous.

Donnie: (possible angry glare - then lightening) Yes, thank you...I love Tom Selleck too.

Ben: The debut episode of the re-boot wasn't bad.

Donnie: But it's NOT Tom Selleck...

Ben: No, it's not. You're right. Your gesture though...it's also just so selfless.

Donnie: I'm like that....right?...wait...whaty'd say...selfless?

Ben: That you are sir. The people see it every day.

Donnie: I'm sure they do! (aside in a whisper)...can you explain this "selfless" to me later?

Ben: Of course sir.

Donnie: Plus, he's had it so hard lately with this Christine Blasey Ford thing.

Ben: I know, ya gotta feel for the victim. That has to be so difficult.

Donnie: Exactly. Why does he have to answer more questions now?

Ben: He?

Donnie: Yes, HE...

Ben: ...but I thought...

Donnie: ...victim Ben?...we're talking victim here?...

Ben: ...right, my bad...poor Brett...

Donnie: ...and don't they come with little gifts too? Nicely wrapped? Ivanka is really good at that sort of thing.

Ben: What sir?

Donnie: Shit Benfred?! The fucking fruit basket. Don't they come with little gifts?

Ben: I'm not sure. I've never gotten a fruit basket. Death threats from poor folks who don't have bootstaps, but never a fruit basket. I could ask my wife though.

Donnie: I don't want to furnish his office of "I Do Nothing" Ben, I just want to maybe include a small gift or two, if that's what they do in fruit baskets of course.

Ben: But including gifts? Doesn't that make this more of a gift basket, not a fruit basket?

Donnie: (hard stare) It'll have an apple, probably some grapes Ben, maybe a pineapple centerpiece, chocolate covered strawberries. It'll be a FRUIT basket Benfred!

Ben: Now I'll be the first to say I love chocolate covered strawberries but are you sure?

Donnie: Well....

Ben: The message they send? Could make it a little awkward.

Donnie: Ok, point. No chocolate covered strawberries.

Ben: Nice adjustment sir.

Donnie: I'm good on the fly.

Ben: That you are, I've seen that fly in action. As to a small gift? Monogrammed cuff links are always nice.

Donnie: Great idea...and in gold. DT.

Ben: But aren't his initials BK?

Donnie: Not hungry right now, trying to think.

Ben: Plus wouldn't that be a little obvious?

Donnie: You're right. Don't need anyone zooming in on his wrists while he dramatically taps his hands pretending to agonize over a decision in a re-enactment on Fox and Friends.

Ben: I loves me that Ainsley.

Donnie: Me too.

Ben: Maybe a gift card for a tattoo of DT instead, in some place discreet.

Donnie: Much better idea. Something only he can see in the mirror when he gets out of the shower in the morning.

Ben: How about scented soaps?

Donnie: Seriously Benfred?

Ben: Just throwing gift idea shit at the wall sir.

Donnie: Well apparently. Maybe your scented soaps can help with the cleanup of your shit wall. No, need something else...Olive Garden?

Ben: Who doesn't love Olive Garden?

Donnie: Ok, so we got a fruit basket with an apple, some grapes, a pineapple centerpiece, whitebread muffins with maybe, chocolate chips, a DK tattoo, Olive Garden...but we need a kicker, something to make it truly unique, but something subtle. Something only he and I would understand.

Ben: Nesting dolls dressed as court justices?

Donnie: Fuck Benfred?! I said subtle...plus I already sent those to Vlad. Justice robes that are really Russian flags. He loved 'em. Says he keeps them in the residence next to a picture of me riding a Shetland Pony shirtless.

Ben: Nice.

Donnie: I know, really cute, though the whole nesting doll concept still confuses me...

Ben: ...well, they'r...

Donnie: ...try to explain them to me again Ben and your body won't ever be found.

Ben: Sorry sir...wait, I got it!

Donnie: ...and?!

Ben: A portait of you for his chambers.

Donnie: Keeping with subtle...go on.

Ben: Yeh, a portrait of you, right behind his desk...you're glaring and holding a pen over a blank sheet of official Supreme Court stationary.

Donnie: Oh, Benfred...you're suprisingly an almost genius just like me!!

Ben: And you could pay for it through your foundation. Wouldn't cost you a gold dime.

Donnie: Oh my god! That's perfect!! Ben I could close my eyes and hug you, but the 80's were a long time ago.

Ben: That's Ok sir.

Donnie: Brett is going to ABSOLUTELY love this!!

Ben: I'm sure he will sir. How could he not?

Donnie: Oh, by the way, don't mention this to Mike.

Ben: Pence sir?

Donnie: Yeh, he'll just want to horn in on it. Seems he's really excited about Brett. Has stock in a huge coat hanger manufacturer.

Ben: Understood.

Donnie: Plus, he gets all sweaty whenever someone mentions fruit, starts unbuttoning his shirt. It can be REALLY uncomfortable.

Ben: With ya sir.






Sunday, September 9, 2018

A Day In The Life (title borrowed) And Treasured Friends

(..."and dragged a comb across my head")

When I first moved into my former apartment in Hyde Park, back in December of 2014, I quickly learned why my only request of the building manager that my new digs be on the top (3rd) floor was the best of all possible requests. I can't imagine the hell I would have had to endure had my downstairs neighbor and her boyfriend been arguing and fighting and throwing shit ABOVE my head instead of below my feet. Gladly, their anger and dysfunction left soon after I moved in and was replaced, instead, with the quiet, serene, happy, loving contentment of Tara Patterson and Blake.


We bonded over cats, the mutual love of our respective fur (their Little Foot & Riley, my Bella & Shoes) but more specifically, my Shoes. When he was in his final days, and he and I would go out for our nightly walks for his last month or so, a boy and his cat in a cone plastic hat, Tara and Blake were always there to wish he and I good travels around the apartment complex. Shoes was in his glory with the attention from the two of them at the bottom of the stairs outside their door and I had new found friends who understood the immense pain but also the beautiful life that were those walks with my Big Orange.

They were also there for the slow, deliberate, determined, often bandaid inducing but loving process of bringing my beloved stray Grayson (I so miss you my friend, I can't even say - You were So special and 2 years just wasn't enough time) in house from the eventual cold. Tara called him Gray-Gray, a name I came to use with him quite often. Of all the people Grayson DIDN'T like at the time, including me on occasion? Tara & Blake weren't on the list. He loved them without reservation...or bandaid.

Well, after 11 years of preparation, these two finally said "I Do" and it was a glorious day for them filled with family (Tara's dance with Blake's grandfather brought real tears I couldn't hold back and brought the guests to their clapping hands), lifelong friends and a few extra new friends found at "home" in building 15 (as Tara put it in a text recently). I know I can speak for the extra friends Bobby Mulcare Brenda Mulcare and certainly myself when I say "Cheers to the continued happiness you two". You've always made me smile.

I also got a chance to hang out with actual humans in the actual real world for a change and I think I cleaned up rather nicely in a borrowed shirt and tie (thank ya Sam Favata). And I didn't spill anything on them by the way. A rare win for me.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny - Ep #10: "Alarms And A Post Gone Joyously Off The Rails"

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Alarm Haters Club)

**ALARM SOUND**

Donnie: (waking from napping to Fox and Friends clutching a Sean Hannity pillow...phone falls off the bed to the floor as he sits up) ...what the Hell?! Again?!!

Ben: (rushing in) What's the problem sir?

Donnie: What's the problem?! I don't know...maybe it's these fucking alarms Benfred!

Ben: Relax sir, it's just the new "Trump News Update" alarm system I had installed.

Donnie: My phone! Check my phone! It fell on the floor!

Ben: It's fine sir.

Donnie: You sure? Do we need to call a phone doctor?

Ben: Phone doctor?

Donnie: Yes Benfred, phone doctor. Sheesh!! I've been told they have those you know?! Phone doctor trade schools even. And YOU'RE a doctor for Christ's sake. You should know this. It's the doctor you call if your phone might be hurt or feeling sick.

Ben: Let me check it.

Donnie: Ok, but not too close, cause then I'd have to find somebody to kill you. I know those types of people now by the way. Lot's of national security stuff in there. Big stuff...really important big boy stuff (with emphasis and a knowing nod) INNNNNTEL Benfred...files, honestly, you're just not intelligent enough to handle, given your innate shortcomings an all, nothing personal, and it's all bullet pointed and graphed in color. Very complicated.

Ben: Oh, of course, nothing personal at all, I'm ONLY a neurosurgeon, but on your unsecure phone sir?

Donnie: Shut up Benfred. It's password protected.

Ben: 1 2 3 5?

Donnie: How'd you know? But genius huh? I purposely, I think, left out the...uhhh...the...what's the oth...

Ben: The 4?

Donnie: (shrugging off) right...is she alright?

Ben: She?

Donnie: Shut up AGAIN Ben. Just tell me...is Hope alright?..crap...wait...didn't mean to say that...don't even think about asking.

Ben: You call your phone Hope?

Donnie: What did I just say about not asking Ben?! Jesus!...and it's....uhhh..."Hope"...hope for a better future, less fake news, more official Trump truth through tweets, in case you're curious.

Ben: (wide eyed) Truth?

Donnie: (glares)

Ben: Of course, my bad..."truth" sir.

Donnie: (harder glare)

Ben: My air quote fingers were showing again weren't they?

Donnie: Hmmmm...well, is she ok or what?

Ben: Yes "she's" fine.

Donnie: Wheww, that's a relief. Thank you. I'm sure taking her to a phone doctor in an emergency would have been yugely expensive.

Ben: You got that right sir. Too bad we're not in Canada with THEIR phone doctors. Much cheaper.  It's actually included in their citizen plan believe it or not, and with unlimited life minutes too. Have a sick phone? Boom, covered.

Donnie: I know. Gotta have a meeting about that. (Note to self: Canadian phone doctors - lie to Trudeau about why I wanna know, gloat about it later - don't let the generics in) So what's with these alarms Ben? They keep waking me from my beautiful Fox and Friends dreams (loves me that Ainsley), keep scaring the hell out of me when I'm tending to my flower boxes or when I'm counting the rocks in the boxes on my book shelves in the library.

Ben: You have flower boxes?

Donnie: Well, (rolling his eyes) yeaaaaah.

Ben: You mean those rickety unpainted boxes of dry dirt outside the kitchen window?

Donnie: They're a work in progress.

Ben: Did you actually plant any seeds in them?

Donnie: Seeds?

Ben: Yes...oh...never mind. Anything you touch dies anyway.

Donnie: But these alarms? What if they go off when I'm on the golf course? Don't want anyone thinking I might use them to kick a ball in the distraction...

Ben: ...of course not.

Donnie: ...'cause I play an honest game, though with a whatever stroke handicap I decide at the end of the round.

Ben: I know you do sir. Honesty is a hallmark of yours.

Donnie: (raised eyebrow, thinking of glaring)

Ben: No, truly sir, that's what they all say, they say "That Trump, honesty is a hallmark of his"

Donnie: My they?

Ben: Yes sir.

Donnie: Like my lots of they?

Ben: Your lots of they exactly sir.

Donnie: I love them they, especially the lots of they.

Ben: And the everyone too. All encompassing.

Donnie: I know huh?

Ben: Plus the them too, lots of the them...those them always say great things.

Donnie: I know, as they should...so much I've done...

Ben: ...and the many, the many are always on your side...

Donnie: ...I know, passed some of they them in the street just the other day...and they them were very nice...complimented Trump on the job...no one reports this you know...

Ben: ...and you might even say that the them, they, lot's of and many are a majority, and all great Americans because the they, them, many support you implicitly, almost blindly. Sign things accordingly. Tell you all the time.

Donnie: There was a poll you know, how they all said it.

Ben: Was there really? From who?

Donnie: A poll Benfred.

Ben: I know sir, but who conducted the pol...

Donnie: I SAID THERE WAS A POLL!

Ben: ...right sir, yes, a poll. Surely proved your point of course.

Donnie: Damn fake news didn't report on this poll.

Ben: They never do on the imaginary ones. Bastards!

Donnie: I know. Hate them. So, anyway, again, what's with these freakin' alarms?!!

Ben: They're just to keep you aware of what the next news cycle might be. Like that alarm about Omarosa from a couple of weeks ago.

Donnie: A couple of weeks? Wow, that's a long time. Did it even happen? Can I backtrack and say it didn't?

Ben: But she has tapes sir.

Donnie: Tapes schmapes Benfred. Can I say they were doctored? Like that whole Lester Holt nonsense? Interview...caught on tape...actual words coming out of my mouth. Can I say fudged?

Ben: Best you don't sir. Could be taken the wrong way.

Donnie: The 80's again?

Ben: Never mind.

Donnie: Whatever. She was black though right?

Ben: Yes. Still is.

Donnie: Shit. Probably lost that one.

Ben: Probably, but you won't miss her, plus ya still got Kanye...Tiger...that Pierson chick with the big forehead from your campaign...Zirconium & Polyester...Jim Brown...

Donnie: Forehead is kind of an idiot though.

Ben: She is, but she loves you.

Donnie: Very important.

Ben: But, again, sir, the alarms are just to keep you updated, especially when you're nose deep in Hope.

Donnie: ?

Ben: Your phone?

Donnie: Oh, right.

Ben: Like the numerous Michael Cohen alarms.

Donnie: Those keep going off by the way. Fucking flipper...should be illegal (note to self: call my new loyalty vetted judges, especially Kavanaugh)

Ben: And there's been quite a few Mannafort alarms.

Donnie: (sigh)

Ben: And the alarm for that guy from the National Enquirer

Donnie: (double sigh)

Ben: And the alarm from Sessions taking a pot shot after YOU took another pot shot at him.

Donnie: Evil little elf. Damned ears of his. I might just close the Alice door the next time he comes knockin' here.

Ben: And the alarm from the CPO of your "foundation"

Donnie: Did you just say that in quotes again Benfred?

Ben: No

Donnie: Yes you did.

Ben: Damn these fingers...mind of their own.

Donnie: Yeh, you're not good at that.

Ben: My apologies sir, it's just like anytime you mention Kellyanne or Laura and I suddenly end up with a carrot on my nose...

Donnie: ...and that foundaton does a lot of positive things ya know. Does a lot of good. Some communities praise me for the good it does.

Ben: Great good. All the dollars it hasn't pledged. And your likeness in that one portrait is uncanny. Inspiring for the communities I'm sure.

Donnie: It really is isn't it? Catches the orange in that halo.

Ben: If Christ had an orange halo he'd be you sir.

Donnie: Thank you Benfred, I'll mention that at the next National Prayer Breakfast, Evangelicals eat that shit up...

Ben: ...and ignore all they claim to stand for...

Donnie: ...precisely. But you really have to do something about all of these al...

**ALARM** **ALARM**

Donnie: Oh...what the fuck now Benfred?

Ben: Hold on...you're Ok sir. Seems this one was a just a reminder alarm.

Donnie: Of?!

Ben: Senator John McCain.

Donnie: What about him?

Ben: He died sir?

Donnie: Oh, he did that just to spite me ya know? Ask Kelli Ward, poor girl. Has my full support. She's a doctor. She knows how people can plan their deaths to be spiteful.

Ben: ?

Donnie: Grabbing all the glory. Even in death. War hero yadda yadda, captured yadda yadda. Ya know, if I had been there...

Ben: ...but for your dad and your feet and your cowardice...

Donnie: ...exactly, if I had been there I...

**ALARM** **ALARM**

Ben: They're kneeling again

Donnie: Motherfuckers...I'll plantation teach 'em. Grab my prop!

Ben: Prop?

Donnie: Yeh, we'll whip 'em with it!! It's right over there in the corner Benfred!!

Ben: Ummm, grab your prop...the flag?

Donnie: Yeh, that flag thing...something about Diana Ross...

Ben: ...you mean BETSY Ross?

Donnie: Yeh, but she couldn't sing. I was there. Awful voice.

Ben: The one with the blue stripes?

Donnie: Yeh that one...start waving it and sing along with m...

Ben: ...you really don't want to do that sir...

Donnie:  ...why not?...

Ben: ...the words...

Donnie:  ...good point, but let's just wave...

Ben: ...just you and me?...

Donnie: ...what?

Ben: The wave? It's a little anti climatic with just two...

Donnie: ...no numbnuts...the Flag...start waving it...

Ben: ...oh right sir...and this is kind of fun actually...it'll surely make the white kids proud to be American...

Donnie: ...it's what I do. I'm an inspiration. You know I could have been an owner right? But they were scared about how good an owner I could have been...wouldn't let me in...

Ben: Yeh, your USFL prowess surely scared them off. The way you took a successful few years and burned it to the ground

Donnie: Hey, they won a dollar.

Ben: Hugely symbolic sir.

Donnie: And they got that because of me! Sure, it wasn't much of a split league wide but nobody has ever given me credit for that.

Ben: It seems to be a theme.

Donnie: Theme?

Ben: The subject of talk, a piece of writing, a person's writing, a person's thoughts or an exhibition, a topic.

Donnie: Benfred?!

Ben: Sorry sir. I googled the definition for you...got it from Dictionary.com...thought it might help. But as I look at it now, not so muc...

Donnie: ...and THOSE fucking guys...

Ben: Sir?

Donnie: ...Google!...not being pro-Trump propaganda...suppressing conservative voic...

**ALARM**

Ben: Duck sir!!

Donnie: (ducking) ...what?!

Ben: Google. They're all knowing!...I think they've pinned our locatio...

(Donnie and Ben in a corner, eyes roaming, vigilant)

Donnie: ...(suddenly singing the jingle)...I think I feel like McDonalds...

Ben: ...me too...(bastards) ... fish filet or a quarter pounder?

Donnie: ...who the hell eats the fish filets Benfred?...quarter pounder for me...no, make that a double quarter pounder...extra cheese...and nuggets, gotta have nuggets...and fries...oh, and make sure the fries are on top of the bag...

Ben: ...of course sir.






(Oh, Cricket, my blind cat, wrote this last part. Just proves that all cats (if even the blind one can find it) are innately drawn to a keyboard whenever you're trying to work on one...not quite sure what she means here but she's apparently very self centered)

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